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John & Joe....
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Aug 6, 2010 6:31 pm
485 Views
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Once there were twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
The old lady fainted..!!!!
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Actual Housing Complaints..!!!
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Aug 3, 2010 7:47 pm
504 Views
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1.And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
2.My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.
3.Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
4.The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous and does not fit into our community rules.
5.I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
6.Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7.I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
8.The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
9.Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and she is pregnant.
10.I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
11.I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
12.I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.
13.I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.
14.I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
15.He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.
16.Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
17.I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
18.Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
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B'day Gift From a Loving wife...
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Aug 1, 2010 3:37 pm
547 Views
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Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that b***h Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the dear), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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Letter from a mother to her son..
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Jul 30, 2010 10:18 am
555 Views
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Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. . . we've moved.
About your father. . . He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt or uncle.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in a Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to put out the fire.
Your father didn't have much to drink this Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. That kept him going till New Years day.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for 3 days, and then for 4 days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within 7 days; up she comes.
Your Loving Mother,
P. S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already sealed the envelope.
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Application Form...!!!
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Jul 29, 2010 6:01 am
456 Views
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This is a Copy /Paste.
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION
Name:___________________
Stage name: __________________
Agent:___________________ Attorney:____________________
Therapist:________________________
Sex: ___male ___female* ___ formerly male ___formerly female ____both
*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don't own a cell phone, please explain: ________________________
Please check hair color:
Females:
[ ] Blonde
[ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers (check all that apply):
[ ] Red
[ ] Orange
[ ] Green
[ ] Purple
[ ] Blue
[ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading
Please indicate how many times
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers_____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving _____
PLEASE CHECK
If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.
In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions you go to each week: ______.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Vicodin
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.
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Jay Leno's quips...:))
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Jul 27, 2010 6:15 pm
612 Views
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(Copy/paste from NY times)
“The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” on NBC:
We have some wonderful news. BP announced it successfully capped the oil leak. The oil leak has stopped. I am so glad they were able to nip this thing in the bud.
Before they capped it, BP had to test the integrity of the well, which I believe is the first time BP and integrity have ever been used in the same sentence.
BBC is reporting that Venezuela may have massive oil reserves, more than even Saudi Arabia. You know what that means? We could have invaded closer to home and saved gas.
But to be fair to President Bush, at the time we invaded Iraq, he thought Venezuela was a planet.
Of course, today, he corrected himself. He now realizes Venezuela is those horns they blow at the World Cup.
People are sweating more than Sarah Palin trying to hire a wedding planner. That’s how hot it was today.
Well, this week, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston revealed exclusively to Us Weekly, my bible, that they are getting married. Sarah Palin allegedly not happy about this, because she feels they barely know each other and they are making a big commitment. You know, kind of like when John McCain picked her for vice president.
The White House announced today that the stimulus package saved three million jobs. But they said there’s still more jobs that need to be saved: President Obama’s, Joe Biden’s, Harry Reid’s, Nancy Pelosi’s…
A lot of people continue to be very upset by the fact that we can’t get Osama bin Laden. Osama bin Laden???? We can’t even get Roman Polanski.
Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'
We're now finding out where all the candidates met their spouses. Barack Obama met his wife at a law firm. John McCain met his wife at a Naval officers' dance. And Rudy Giuliani met his third wife when he was cheating on his first wife with his second wife.
Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. He called the new prime minister and made sure all the animals and clowns were safe.
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4
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Sleep positions and Personality traits...
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Jul 26, 2010 9:31 pm
641 Views
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Sleep position says a lot about who we are as a person. What does your sleep position say about you? (This is copy paste)
The Fetus Position:-
A person who sleeps in the fetus position is described as tough on the outside are secretly sensitive. They may be shy and private when they are first meeting someone but quickly open up. This type of person takes relationships slowly and yearns for security. This person must have a lot of reassurance before they can trust someone. If they do not get enough sleep, they become very cranky and may turn into a big baby. They tend to be light sleepers.
Stomach Position:
People who sleep on their stomach are very outgoing and may be a bit selfish. This type of person likes to stay in their comfort zone and does not like extreme situations. This type of person may be nervous on the inside but puts up a front being brash.
On Your Back Arms To Your Sides:
Those who sleep on their back tend to be very quiet and reserved. They tend to set a very high standard for themselves and for others. This type of person tends to be laid back and doesn't make a big deal out of things.
On Your Back Both Arms Up:
Those who sleep in this position are usually great listeners. They are giving and always willing to help. They are great friends and don't like to be in the spotlight.
On Your Side, Legs Straight, Arms At Your Sides:
These people tend to be very easy going. They are very social and will trust anyone. They are also very easy to fool.
Positions Couples Sleep In:
The Spoon
When the woman is the embracer, it shows that she is the more giving partner or that the man needs special nurturing.
The Man Lies On His Back, The Woman Lies On Her Back With Her Head On The Mans Shoulder:
This position means the woman is the more dependant and compliant partner. This position gives a sense of protection.
The Man Lies On His Back Holding The Woman Who Is Stomach Down, Her Head Resting On His Shoulder:
This position is usually used when your going through a crisis or a time when you have a special need.
One Partner Slides Halfway Off The Bed Or You End Up With One Partner Upside Down:
Means the partner who is sliding off the bed or upside down(head to toe) is showing a need to pull away from the partner or the marriage.
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What is ur blood type???
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Jul 25, 2010 6:55 am
589 Views
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According to a Japanese institute that does research on blood types, there are certain personality traits that seem to match up with certain blood types. How do you rate?
TYPE O
You want to be a leader, and when you see something you want, you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are a trend-setter, loyal, passionate, and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously and a tendency to be too competitive.
TYPE A
You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others, and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Among your weaknesses are stubbornness and an inability to relax.
TYPE B
You're a rugged individualist, who's straightforward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. But your insistence on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakness.
TYPE AB
Cool and controlled, you're generally well liked and always put people at ease. You're a natural entertainer who's tactful and fair. But you're standoffish, blunt, and have difficulty making decisions.
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Best of Jerry Seinfeld..:)
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Jul 24, 2010 8:24 pm
440 Views
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Of course this is a copy / paste...
I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
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SWOT analysis...
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Jul 23, 2010 8:37 pm
912 Views
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A married couple was asked to present their SWOT Analysis.
His reply:
My *S*trength is my wife.
My *W*eakness is my neighbour's wife.
My *O*pportunity is when the neighbour goes out.
My *T*hreat is when the neighbour comes back unexpected!
Her reply:
My *S*trength is my beauty.
My *W*eakness our local plumber.
My *O*pportunity is when pipes burst.
My *T*hreat is when my husband starts reading plumbing "Do It Yourself" book!
___________________________________________________________
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