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Before the computer came.....
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Jul 1, 2007 1:02 am
1710 Views
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before the computer came.....
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
And a keyboard was on a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
And a CD was a bank account
And if you had a corrupted disk
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress was what you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to the commode!
Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,
Pasting, you did with glue.
The Web was where a spider lived
And a virus was the flu!
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5
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First time user
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Jul 1, 2007 12:29 am
1485 Views
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(No offense meant)
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ******
appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard.
Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
3. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
4. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
5. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
6. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur
money.
7. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?
8. I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad lekhin there is only one icon with 'MY Computer', remaining ka kya huwa?
9. Are ye to kamal hai, windows says 'MY Pictures' lekhin there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.
10. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the
PC at home only.
From:
Banta Singh,
Punjab.
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3
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more laughs....so funny...
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Jun 28, 2007 10:01 pm
1637 Views
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PEARLY GATES
Two income tax collectors died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Just ahead of them were two clergy, but St. Peter motioned them aside and took the internal revenue into heaven at once.
"Why them ahead of us?" the surprised religious leaders asked.
"Haven't we done everything possible to spread the good word?"
"Yes," said St. Peter, "but those two IRS agents scared the Hell out of more people than you ever did!"
HOT DAY
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
LOUD AND CLEAR
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
THE BURGLAR
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. He breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
THE FUR COAT
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier in Beverly Hills.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!" replies the man.
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns to the store.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a cent in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
SLEEPING IN CHURCH
A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God Almighty!"
The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
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3
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problems and solutions.....funny
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Jun 28, 2007 11:26 am
1671 Views
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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be
said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that
has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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3
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Thought provoking........a must read...
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Jun 27, 2007 1:01 am
1867 Views
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Words to Live By
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue..
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look
good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that
can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind, at least have the
decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20, and never see
that person again, it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the
same time, because then you don't
have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you; the more
you have, the longer you live.
Ever notice that the people who are late
are often much jollier than the people
who have to wait for them?
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't
more people happy?
You may be only one person in the world,
but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun
to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over;
smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons:
some are sharp, some are pretty, some
are dull, some have weird names, and
all are different colors but they all
have to learn to live in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can
enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you
didn't even know you left open.
Have an awesome day, and know that
someone has thought about you today....
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10
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more to laugh about......
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Jun 26, 2007 4:34 am
1511 Views
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"The Lost Chapter of Genesis "
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she
will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she
was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to
get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
She will never have a headache and will freely
give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God,
"What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
So Adam asked............,
"What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history
Wise Grandma
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from
the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck .... This was your Grandma's idea."
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1
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real life laughs........a must read...hilarious
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Jun 25, 2007 8:45 am
1819 Views
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Real Life Experiences of Doctors
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
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ha ha ha....ooohh...ha ha
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Jun 25, 2007 8:00 am
1783 Views
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Many men think that "the larger the woman's breasts, the less intelligent she is. However, the fact is "the larger the woman's breasts the less intelligent the men around her become .."
The Secret of Longevity:
Morning: Two eggs with milk, Evening: Two pegs with chips, Night: Two legs with lips
The Theory of Reverse Dynamics:
When a man becomes rich, he becomes naughty, and when a woman becomes naughty, she becomes rich ..
The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:
"What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"
Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paperclipped"
Bholajee after the interview :
"Everything went well till the time they asked me to show my testimonials.
I guess I showed them the wrong thing."
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4
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more laughs....hilarious
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Jun 25, 2007 7:54 am
1737 Views
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Man comes home , finds his wife with his friend in bed . He shoots
his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends" .
********************************************
A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
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What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
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Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Every time
Wife replies," No, It means ,
With Idiot For Ever !!!"
*****************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.
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Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
************************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these
kids yours??"
The man replies, " No, I work in a condom factory and these are
customer complaints".
*******************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident
and confidential.
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!"
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4
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A mallu marriage proposal....hilarious
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Jun 19, 2007 12:48 am
1860 Views
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A MALLU MARRIAGE PROPOSAL ( no offence meant...I'm also a mallu)
Madam:
I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Thiruvananthapuram. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself on you and hope you will take me nicely.
I am a soiled son from inside Kerala. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid balls that bounce a lot.
I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am a jolly gay . Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.
I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.
I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand. If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.
If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.
Expecting soon,
Yours and only yours Kutty Ettan
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To link to this blog (pretty44) use [blog pretty44] in your messages.
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