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Piece of Meat :)
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Jun 10, 2011 10:34 am
728 Views
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"During a Sunday Service in church, a priest gave the following sermon:
Dear Brothers and Sisters !!!!!
Today I want to talk about a Piece of MEAT.
YES.....THAT Piece of MEAT !!!!!! Sometimes strong and hard, sometimes loose.
That Piece of MEAT that separates brothers and sisters!!!!! Men and Women. !!!!!!!
That Piece of MEAT that causes Husbands and Wives to divorce!!!
That Piece of MEAT that causes hatred and jealousy between brothers.!!!!
That Piece of MEAT that causes women to fight with women,
It is that Piece of MEAT that is sometimes outside and sometimes more inside than outside .
Beloved brothers and sisters,
It is that Piece of MEAT that can give so much pain, but it also brings a lot of UNBELIEVABLE PLEASURE !
Beloved Brothers and Sisters, that's the Piece of MEAT, I want to talk to you about :
WHICH IS .............................. ...............
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THE TONGUE...
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DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTERS .....
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THE TONGUE !!!!!!!!!
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PS. YOUR CORRUPTED MINDS ARE FORGIVEN .....
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6
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Property Dispute :)
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Jun 9, 2011 5:14 am
651 Views
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Property Dispute
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.
One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and said, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125 as he prepared to leave.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be
granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately wrote a check.
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5
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Exercise
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Jun 7, 2011 10:33 am
659 Views
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Exercise !!!!!!!!!!!!
1. If walking is good for one's health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, eats only fish, drinks a lot of water and.... IS FAT.
3. A rabbit runs and hops all the time and lives only, at best, for 15 years
4. A turtle doesn't run, does nothing.... yet lives for 450 years..!!
So, TO HELL WITH EXERCISE..... SLEEP WELL !! GOOD NITE!!!!!!!!!!
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4
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Things that are difficult to say :)
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Jun 5, 2011 8:57 am
624 Views
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK :
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK :
1. Specificity
2. Anti- constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK :
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No, I don't want to see your shaven pu$$y.
5. No, my c*c*'s fine as it is, I don't want you to $u-ck it.
6. No, please don't sit on my face - I've got asthma.
 
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3
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Man Oh Man
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Jun 3, 2011 4:16 am
582 Views
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Man O Man
When without money, eats wild vegetables at home
When has money, eats same wild vegetables in fine restaurant.
When without money, rides bicycle;
When has money, rides exercise machine.
When without money, walks to earn food
When has money, walks to lose the fat
Man Oh Man ! never fails to deceive thyself !
When without money, wishes to get married;
When has money, wishes to get divorced.
When without money, wife becomes secretary;
When has money, secretary becomes wife.
When without money, acts like rich man;
When has money, acts like poor man.
Man, Oh Man, never can tell the simple truth !
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1
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Heartbroken
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Jun 2, 2011 9:46 am
632 Views
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oooooppppsss !!!!!!
Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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3
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Need Washing ?
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Jun 1, 2011 7:42 am
713 Views
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NEED WASHING ?
A little girl had been shopping with her Mum in Woolies. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.
It was pouring outside.. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout.. We all stood there, under the awning, just inside the door of the Woolies..
We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day.
I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
Her little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, 'Mum let's run through the rain,'
She said.
'What?' Mum asked..
'Let's run through the rain!' She repeated.
'No, darling. We'll wait until it slows down a bit,' Mum replied.
This young child waited a minute and repeated: 'Mum, let's run through the rain..'
'We'll get soaked if we do,' Mum said.
'No, we won't, Mum. That's not what you said this morning,' the young girl said as she tugged at her Mum's arm.
'This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?'
'Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ' If God can get us through this, He can get us through anything! ' '
The entire crowd stopped dead silent.. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain.. We all stood silently. No one left. Mum paused and thought for a moment about what she would say.
Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said.. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
'Darling, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just need washing,' Mum said.
Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They got soaked.
They were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did.
I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.
To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.
I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Take the time to live!!!
Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you'll need each other -- And don't forget to run in the rain!
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4
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Paraprosdokians :)
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May 28, 2011 10:05 am
685 Views
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PARAPROSDOKIANS
I had to look up "paraprosdokian." Here is the Wikipedia definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now consider!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify : I put 'DOCTOR '
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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1
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Being Human
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May 25, 2011 10:39 am
733 Views
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The Rules of Being Human
You will receive a body.
You may like or hate it, but it will be yours for as long as you live. How you take care of it or fail to take care of it can make an enormous difference in the quality of your life.
You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time, informal school called Life.
Each day, you will be presented with opportunities to learn what you need to know. The lessons presented are often completely different from those you think you need.
There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial, error and experimentation. You can learn as much from failure as you can from success; maybe more.
A lesson is repeated until it is learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it (as evidenced by a change in your attitude and ultimately your behavior) then you can go on to the next lesson.
Learning lessons does not end.
There is no stage of life that does not contain some lessons. As long as you live there will be something more to learn.
“There” is no better then “here”.
When your “there” has become a “here” you will simply discover another “there” that will again look better than your “here”. Don’t be fooled by believing that the unattainable is better than what you have.
Others are merely mirrors of you.
You can not love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. When tempted to criticize others, ask yourself why you feel so strongly.
What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you create with those tools and resources is up to you. Remember that through desire, goal setting and unflagging effort you can have anything you want. Persistence is the key to success.
The answers lie inside of you.
The solutions to all of life’s problems lie within your grasp. All you need to do is ask, look, listen and trust yourself.
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