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Golf Club
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Feb 23, 2012 9:18 pm
819 Views
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Golf Club Membership Application
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf.
So he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
So he went to the club to inquire as to why:
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a
Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
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Say and Get Away :)
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Feb 23, 2012 10:55 am
765 Views
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21 Things You Can Only Get Away With Saying At Christmas.
1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!
21. I do like a good stuffing.
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3
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The Reunion
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Feb 22, 2012 7:32 am
467 Views
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THE REUNION
Old school friends Jan, Sue and Mary rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first, immaculate in a beige Versace-style dress, and orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue, wearing a grey Chanel number, enters and, after the initial hugs and kisses, joins her in a glass of wine.
In due course, Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They pour her a wine and get down to discussing their lives.
Jan explains: "I went from school to Oxford University . That's where I met Timothy. You'd love him. He's a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. We live in a 4,000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane -- our daughter Susanna attends drama school there -- and have a second home in Portugal ."
Sue, in turn, says: "I got my degree at Cambridge , studied medicine and became a surgeon. My husband Clive is a top investment banker in the City. We live in Virginia Water and have a bolthole in Italy for those times when we need to get away from it all."
They look at Mary inquiringly. She begins: "Well, after I left school at 17, I ran off with my boyfriend. Mark and I run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow our own vegetables. Mark can..." she hesitates. "Mark can stand five parrots side by side on his erect pen-!s." Her friends gaze at her with a new interest.
Four hours later, halfway through the third bottle of wine, Jan says: "Oh, hell -- I can't live with myself in front of you two. My husband's actually a cashier at Tesco. We live in a small apartment in Bromley; there's a caravan parked on the front drive which we use for holidays."
Sue, chastened but encouraged by such honesty, says: "Clive and I are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. We live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent ."
As they fix their eyes on Mary, she shrugs and says: "Well, the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg..."
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Surgery
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Feb 20, 2012 8:50 am
430 Views
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Surgery
When he first noticed that his pen-!s was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But... After several weeks, his pen-!s had grown fifty centimetres!!
He Became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and he went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to them that,
though rare, his condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through
Corrective Surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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4
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Interesting :)
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Feb 6, 2012 3:47 am
542 Views
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Some interesting and revealing incidents from the life of Albert Einstein who was recently honored by Time magazine as the Man of the Century.
One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform.
Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"
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Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"
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Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"
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When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognise him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home. The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows.Do you want to meet him?. Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.
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Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.
The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.'
Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.'
Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'
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Answer to Everything
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Jan 18, 2012 8:01 am
762 Views
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A priest was lecturing on the Bible one Sunday morning.
He said to the congregation, "You know, the Bible has an answer for everything. The reason for that is that the people in the Bible have all, at one time or another, been in the same situations you have."
"Even PMS?" a woman asked.
"Yes, I assure you, PMS is in there. Tell you what, I'll look for it
and tell you the passage at Mass next week."
So everyone goes home, and the priest is looking for the passage and Sunday comes around.
He gets in front of the congregation and begins his Homily in Mass. "People, I have found the passage in the Bible referring to PMS."
"Really, Father? Where?" the lady asked.
"It's right here in this passage where it says, 'And Mary rode
Joseph's a$$ all the way to Bethlehem'."
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3
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Some Old Some New
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Jan 16, 2012 11:58 am
820 Views
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BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer �100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, �200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,
How come they can't have a headache and seks at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
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Dirty Laundry
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Jan 12, 2012 7:33 am
993 Views
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Dirty Laundry.....
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean
wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder, who taught her this?"
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows !!"
We will see clearly only if we clean our own eyes first.
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5
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Naming the baby :)
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Jan 9, 2012 9:59 am
1016 Views
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The name of the baby
A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared.
Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have seks with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" con-dom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... Call him.........David Copperfield
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