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LAUGHTER A DAY
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May 3, 2012 5:41 am
145 Views
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In a Mental Hospital a journalist asked the doctor:
How do u determine whether to admit a patient or not?
Doctor: Well, we first fill a BathTub & give a teaspoon, a glass & a bucket to the patient & ask them to empty the Bathtub....
Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use d bucket bcoz its bigger....
Doctorr: No, a normal person would pull the drain plug! Now u plz proceed to bed no.39  .
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Hotel Scam
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May 3, 2012 2:11 am
162 Views
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This is kind of scary, if only because of how simple it is. You arrive at your hotel and check in at the front desk. When checking in, you give the front desk your credit card (for all the charges for your room).
You get to your room and settle in. Someone calls the front desk and asked for (example) Room 620 (which happens to be your room). Your phone rings in your room. You answer and the person on the other end says the following, "This is the front desk. When checking in, we came cross a problem with your charge card information. Please re-read me your credit card number and verify the last 3 digits numbers at the reverse side of your charge card."
Not thinking anything you might give this person your information, since the call seems to come from the front desk. But actually, it is a scam of someone calling from outside the hotel/front desk. They ask for a random room number. Then, ask you for credit card information and address information. Sounding so professional that you do think you are talking to the front desk.
If you ever encounter this problem on your vacation, tell the caller that you will be down at the front desk to clear up any problems. Then, go to the front desk and ask if there was a problem. If there was none, inform the manager of the hotel that someone called to scam you of your credit card information acting like a front desk employee.
This was sent by someone who has been duped........and is still cleaning up the mess.
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3
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... WHEN YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP ......3
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May 3, 2012 2:08 am
109 Views
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Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
"You have been to France before, Monsieur ?" the Customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. " Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" the Customs officer sneered.
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look.
Then he quietly explained ... " Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach, at 4:40am, on D-Day in 1944, to help liberate your country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to. ... "
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... WHEN YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP ......2
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May 3, 2012 2:07 am
101 Views
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JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when Charles DeGaule, the French President, decided to pull out of NATO.
DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.
Rusk responded "does that include the 180,000 who are buried here ?"
DeGaule could not respond.
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... WHEN YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP ....... 1
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May 3, 2012 2:05 am
102 Views
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Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw once started addressing a public meeting at Ahmedabad in English.
The crowd started chanting, "Speak in Gujarati. We will hear you only if you speak in Gujarati."
Field Marshal Sam Bahadur Maneckshaw stopped. Swept the audience with a hard stare and replied, "Friends, I have fought many a battle in my long career. I have learned Punjabi from men of the Sikh Regiment; Marathi from the Maratha Regiment; Tamil from the men of the Madras Sappers; Bengali from the men of the Bengal Sappers, Hindi from the Bihar Regiment; and even Nepali from the Gurkha Regiment.
Unfortunately there was no soldier from Gujarat from whom I could have learned Gujarati."
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Old man has a sense of humor.
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May 3, 2012 2:01 am
105 Views
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" The ups and downs in life are also very important to keep us going, because a straight line, even in an E.C.G. means we are not alive."!
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A Soldier With One Arm and One Leg
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Mar 25, 2012 8:04 am
291 Views
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A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco. “Mom and Dad, I’m coming home, but I’ve a favor to ask. I have a friend I’d like to bring home with me. “Sure,” they replied, “we’d love to meet him.”
“There’s something you should know,” the son continued, “he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mind and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live.”
“No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us.”
“Son,” said the father, “you don’t know what you’re asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can’t let something like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He’ll find a way to live on his own.”
At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him. A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told. The police believed it was suicide.
The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn’t know, their son had only one arm and one leg.
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2
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Golf Poem
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Mar 25, 2012 8:02 am
275 Views
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In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It straight And Far..
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All..
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses..
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up..
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows .... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
......
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average,
22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average,
golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
(kinda makes you feel like a hybrid)
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Bull Shit
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Mar 25, 2012 8:00 am
295 Views
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A young black man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz SL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will also be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
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Irish Medical Dictionary
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Mar 25, 2012 5:53 am
207 Views
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The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term Irish Definition
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Benign - What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan - Searching for Kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node - I knew it
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Nearly killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumour - One plus one more
Urine - Opposite of you're out
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