|
Spoken without thought.... for few laughs
|
Sep 9, 2010 8:33 am
683 Views
|
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back.....or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are copy-paste Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word....he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be
punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange...
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now didn't that feel good?
|
|
|
4
Comments
|
|
|
A VIRGIN offer , refused
|
Aug 31, 2010 7:53 am
722 Views
|
This only intended as giggle and laugh and should reflect not on sexiness or fairness of Pakistan cricket team or any member from here .
Virgin business group boss , the 261 st billionaire (2009 rankings) Richard Branson , has magnanimously offered to sponsor the beleagured Pakistan cricket team , currently reeling after a string of defeats , scandals , and what-nots , thinking he may make a good pie out of all the spot-fixing chances !
However , the embattled Pakistan Cricket Board [PCB] has politely turned down the generous multi-million-pound offer by the cricket-and-money-mad magnate .
As one harassed Board official snapped : " We just can't have V I R G I N written on our shirts , when we're getting screwed in every match and off the field !!"
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
|
FRIENDS and A TRUE FRIEND
|
Aug 9, 2010 1:13 am
803 Views
|
borrowed from miaow - perdón por favor, gato y hombre de sus sueños
FRIENDS
Love you
but are not your lover
Care for you
but are not your family
Ready to share your pain
but are not your blood
They are just
F R I E N D S
----------------------------------------
A TRUE FRIEND
Scolds like Dad
Cares like Mom
Teases like Sis
Irritates like Bro
and finally
LOVES YOU
in more ways than your lover
----------------------------------------
APPLICATIONS for A TRUE FRIEND and FRIENDS to be filled below
POSITION VACANCIES
----------------------------------------
TRUE FRIEND - 3 Vacancies [Male - 1 , Female - 1 , Reserved - 1]
FRIENDS - 18 Vacancies [Female - 6 , Male - 6 , Reserved - 3 , Open - 3]
Thank you
|
|
|
9
Comments
|
|
|
Hum Hindoostani
|
Aug 4, 2010 4:57 am
871 Views
|
HOLA, THIS POST IS ONLY MEANT AS A JOKE, FOR INDIANS AND OTHERS WHO WISH TO APPRECIATE THIS AS A JOKE. PLEASE DONT JUMP ON ME AGAIN FOR RACISM CASTEISM CLASSISM OR ANY OTHER ISMs. EXCEPT TENTACLE-ISM 
GUJJU (Gujarati)
One Gujarati = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujaratis = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.
BONG (Bengali)
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
BIHAREE (Bihari)
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.
PUNJOO (Punjabi)
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.
MALLU (Malayalee)
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.
UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.
GOLTEE (Andhraite)
One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.
Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.
Tam-Brahm
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara
Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train
at rush hour
Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.
Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.
PLEASE COMMENT IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT LIKE IT. OR ANY OTHER SUGGESTIONS ALTERNATIVES AMENDMENTS???!!!
|
|
|
11
Comments
|
|
