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Superman Superman
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Apr 12, 2012 9:03 pm
412 Views
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One day Superman was flying along, feeling kind of horny. He had a busy day ahead of him, but just had to satisfy his urge. So he decided he would fly over to Wonder Woman's house to see what she was doing. As he got closer he used his x-ray vision, and to his suprise, Wonder Women was lying on her bed totally nude and legs spread.
Superman thought "this is great! I'll just zip right in there, do my business, and before she knows it, I'll be gone." So, Superman blasts in, right on top of Wonder Woman, does the deed at lightening speed, and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not quite knowing what hit her said "WHOA! What was that?" and the Invisible Man replied. "I don't know, but my a*se sure is gone sore!"
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Story of a Chopper
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Apr 11, 2012 10:31 pm
410 Views
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A charming lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the beautiful lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh no," says the charming lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flowerbeds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: '$20 or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Okay, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," says the charming lady with a wink, "not all of them pay up."
 
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Silent ones
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Apr 9, 2012 11:02 pm
456 Views
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The year was 1969. Afternoon time on a summer day. A jam packed in door stadium. Finals of Bombay University Badminton tourney. Hot, sultry and sweaty ambiance. Pin drop silence only rapid sound of shoes hitting the wooden floor .
A soul with upset tummy was letting out deadly sound proof silent stinkers that disturbed every body's concentration in the vicinity.A lot of shaking handkerchiefs/ palms disturbed the view. In between the break, with his patience stretched to the limits, a hugh and hefty body builder got up; looked around and virtually pleaded with folded hands:
' Aare Bhai Kaun Hai re Tu? Sallah Sirf Ek Baar, Sirf Ek Baar tu Aawaz to Kar na Bhai'
( Oh Brother, who so ever you are , at least once, brother just once please make a sound . )
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13
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My wife's Sense of humour . Great
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Mar 24, 2012 12:27 pm
468 Views
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The day was Tuesday Sept 28, 2004. A special day. Melody Queen Lata Mangeshkar was completing 75 years. How could this opportunity be wasted commercially ? The then not so popular SONY channel roped in Lata's nephew Adinath and decided to arrange a program on grand scale and telecast it Live (?) with hours of advertisements pumped in between the telecast. Unfortunately the idea came a bit late and there wasn't much time to co ordinate. Lataji consented to this program gracefully.
The theme of this program was various female and male singers would come on the stage and present a tribute to Lataji by singing her own songs to her. Wonderful idea isn't it? Me and my better half finished dinner early and tuned on to SONY channel. The set with a huge SONY Logo, was not a very magnanimous one as you see today for many functions. A large audience- guess the Channel made money by selling tickets. Seated on the sofas in the central first row was naturally Ms Lata Mangeshkar and her family members, Usha, Pandit Hridaynath and others. Dont remember now if Asha Bhosle was there or not .
The program started and various male and female singers came one by one and presented Lata's songs. Young and upcoming singers like Sunidhi Chauhan and Sonu Nigam also came and presented Lata's songs. Almost every one apologised for their daring and attempt to sing in front of the Melody Queen and many admitted that there was no time to rehearse with the orchestra. Needless to say that the programme was completely drab and boring.
Very frequently, the cameras focused on Lata ji, who was almost expressionless with either cinnamon or clove in her mouth and half heartedly, almost mechanically clapping after each performer finished. We were getting bored but remained glued to our screen.
Then came the charming stout and well built lady with a very powerful, thunderous voice - Ms Usha Uthup. She sure has capability to hold the audience but style and voice was completely in contrast as compared to the Melody Queen Lata ji. After a short speech, she started singing " Bindyyyyah Chhyamkegeeh, Chhuree Khyankengee and went on to complete the number. At the end she stood on stage looking at Lata who was clapping nervously. Their eyes met and suddenly Usha Uthup became emotional. Wiping a tear, she rushed down the stage approached Lata ji and when the lady got up, hugged her.
That hug between Usha Uthup and Lataji, reminded me of the scaheduled meeting between tiny Shivaji Raje and the Mighty Mughal Afzalkhan at the fort at Pratapgarh when Afzalkhan betrayed the terms of meeting and ultimately the Mughal Pathan lost his life at the hands of The Maratha king.
After a few words, Usha rushed up the stage. Credit to the builders of the set who made it strong enough  . Usha requested Lataji to permit her to sing her favourite song . A nod from Lata and Usha rushed to the musicians and after informing them about the song, came back with a few taps and gyrations, started singing the evergreen melody created by Shanker Jaikishen and Lata in 1960 for ' Dil Apna Aur Preet Parayee'. In Usha's thunderous voice and pronunciation it sounded :
" Aaajeeeb Daastan haih yehehh, Kahaaan shurooo keha Khatam...and so on. Stunned were we. The telecast ended around 3 am and we quietly went to bed. Couldnt get a sound sleep after the whole episode of unprepared male and female singers singing Lata's songs in front of her. Couldn't imagine her state of mind when her melodies were mercilessly butchered.
At this juncture , I have to introduce my better half who I claimed has poor sense of humour.  . Sensing my restlessness in bed, at around 5 am she asked me if like her I also was unable to sleep. Yes, I mumbled.
Suddenly she sat up and told me that she is visualising the original song from the movie - the studio scene of small boat with swaying girls , where the wedding is being celebrated in moonlight. But instead of the Doc Raj Kumar , his bride- villainous Nadira by his side and the hurt nurse Meena Kumari on the other side of the boat, my wife was visualising Dr. Raj Kumar seated with heroine Meena Kumari on one side and Nadira sitting on the other side and singing the same song Ajeeb Daastan hai yeh but sung in the thunderous voice of Usha Uthup.
Since that day I have realised that my better half has a better sense of humour than me  Hats off to her.
Due apologies to Ms Usha Uthup- a great singer. I love your singing dear
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Cracks on Mohd. Rafi's Grave
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Mar 3, 2012 11:12 pm
739 Views
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Up there in the Heaven the scene was very sad and pathetic . Rafi was sobbing uncontrollably. S D Burman was trying to console him by singing " Kaheko Royeee eaeeeee". Dev Anand was swinging his limp hands up and down with twisted lips and blinking eyes. Kalpana Kartik , his wife who waited for him to come to the heavens for many decades , was seating at his feet. Goldie Anand was paving up and down. This was the team of Kala Bazaar released in 1960.
FM Radio in Heaven had just flashed news that the grave of Rafi on earth had developed cracks. On a latest track FM channel , Rafi happened to hear the remix of ' Khoya Khoya Chhand, Khula Aasmaan' that too sung by a lady and he went into deep depression. Goldie Anand was confused . This remix sounded something like another new song ' Sasural Genda Phool . What a lovely and melodious song it was originally as composed by SD and sung by Rafi ji. The Kala Bazar was an all time hit.
Finally some one called a GP and he administered a tranquilizer for Rafi. Poor Rafi dosed off and the team dispersed. SD pulled up and straightened his dhotee and wore the new chappals which had given his feet bites and left humming in SD style >
Why this Kolhapuri Kolhapuree Kolhapuri di ?
Whats happened to the creativity of the new generation. The golden era gave us innumerable lovely songs. In a movie released almost all the songs were hit. One couldn't tell which one was better than the other. Those days technology hadn't developed and the entire song was recorded in one take. No mixing of tracks like today when they record on 100 tracks and then blend. Still there was perfect balance between music , the orchestra and the singers voice. When the singer came to sing, the musical instruments volume was reduced. In singing duets both the singers stood side by sideand sang their pieces alternately in front of a single microphone. I have seen Kishore da pour his emotions , even dance and articulate while singing. It was a feast to watch Kishore and Asha record a song. Lata sings with stone face .
And then what a music resulted. How can I not give credit to the lyricists who gave such meaningful songs?
Today we are piggy back riding on the past laurels and what makes me very sad is that we are hell bent upon butchering ( thats a modest expression ) the past work. Be it movies or songs.
Karz has been such a nice movie and that sob Himesh Reshmiya butchered it. Next came the super star SRK who did the same in Om Shanti Om but roping in Madhumati as well. Then came Don and Don 2 and Golmaal and list is endless.
Todays music is loud and so much importance is given to the rhythm. In all the hallagulla, the singer is many times faintly audible. The other day got a CD of some cartoon songs in Marathi and found that the rhythm was so loud that the songs which I wanted my gran to hear were completely drowned in that dhin chak dhin chak.
Oh God, these old era maestros are getting bored in your heaven . Please send them back here. With the latest technology and sound engineering , they would make even the other Gods dance.
Hope you all join me in my prayers.
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Twinkle twinkle little star
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Mar 1, 2012 11:02 am
730 Views
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A few days back my not yet 3 years old grandson was bored and I took him to the building terrace. The time was around 9 30 in the evening. He was excited and suddenly pointed out towards the moon- Aaba half moon, half moon. Then he pointed to a bright star appearing below the moon and then excited pointed at another bright star still below the first one. Aaba , half moon and two stars and he started singing twinkle twinkle little star.
I was also looking at the moon and the two stars. Suddenly it dawned on me that in the western sky over Mumbai these were the only three objects visible in the sky. What have we done, all the other stars have disappeared ? With so much of smog the sky has become almost blank with only moon and probably the two plants of our solar system visible. Is the new generation supposed to grow upwith this belief that there are only a few stars in the sky.
That night my mind drifted to my childhood. We were in Nagpur . In late fifties and early sixties, the entire family would sleep in the open during hot summers. Inside the house, there were no fans. Middle class family could probably have a 'USHA' table fan. It was too hot to sleep inside the house. I remember , we the kids, used to sprinkle a lot of water in the evening over the open space where in the night, wooden cots with coir would be laid and after dinner, the entire family would then come out in the open and relax and then go to sleep. Night time the temperatures dropped, often there was breeze and we drifted into deep, very relaxing and rejuvenating sleep.
Staring at the sky above, there were thousands of stars. Mom and dad would try to explain the constellations. Around 11 pm a powerful search light was seen in the sky moving across the sky. This was the beacon of the airport when four flights ' Air mail Service" converged at Nagpur. These were prop planes coming from four metros to Nagpur and return back to their respective locations. Passengers changed the air crafts for onwards journey.
I very strongly remember all of us waiting eagerly to spot a fast moving shining object across the sky . You will not believe, this was a sputnik launched by USSR in low altitude orbits.
Oh those were the days. Today with the air conditioners,dessert coolers, fans etc no one sleeps outside. And in a metro city like Mumbai we dont even see the clear sky. One of these days I am gonna take my gran to a distant place where from you can see the stars in the sky and spend time with him watching his excitement.
As I end this , I am reminded of an old song:
Laakhon Taare,Aasmaan Mein, Ek Magar Dhundhe Na Mila
Dekh Ke Duniya Ki Diwali Dil Mera Chupchap Jala
" million stars in the sky...but i cudnt find one......
watching the merriness of the world ....my heart quietly burned"
( Translation by my good friend Rajeshwar POst Bhalsawa, Jehangirpur, Delhi )
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A Blonde again
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Feb 28, 2012 12:10 am
623 Views
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"A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian.
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Chicken- Food for Thought
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Feb 27, 2012 4:31 am
701 Views
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A few days back while on the way to office I was stranded in a traffic jam and was chatting merrily on IFF . I noticed a three wheeler chicken delivery carrier in front of my car. Suddenly a lot of thoughts flashed in my mind. I had sufficient time to pull a camera out of my brief case and take a shot. As you can see in the picture, the chicks are densely packed in six layers of 2 x 2 with even no space for the bird to stand. All are probably experiencing motion sickness with the noisy, jerky & bumpy ride in the three wheeler with the smoke pollution of surrounding vehicles.
Last monsoons, I witnessed a very funny sight early morning. One such chicken carrier had a mechanical failure in the rains during the night. The driver just abandoned all the birds on the road. It was raining and when released free, the birds quietly sat down on the road and amazingly in a square formation braving the rains.
These birds are delivered to various small shops on road side , where one goes to buy fresh chicken. The shop has similar compartments , the owner pulls out a bird of generally the size indicated by the buyer, locks its feathers and puts the bird on the weigh scale. Once you agree to the weight he pulls out a calculators and arrives at the amount based on fixed displayed rate and when you nod, the neck of the bird is slit right in front of you and the bird left to die in small pit. Two minutes later while the bird is still moving, he starts dressing up, skinning the bird and then chopping it into the desired number of pieces specified by you.
I had seen this happening almost 15 years back and since then gave up eating chicken or mutton. This is when one wants to buy and cook a fresh chicken . Others prefer frozen chickens from Cold storage where the birds are said to be culled in more humane way on a conveyor with electrodes numbing their brains before the circular saw knife is moved to severe the head.
Their only link with nature is that the egg popped out of a hen. Subsequently, it is incubated in an incubator, the newly born chick breaking the egg shell is taken to a cage and fed continuously so that the birds attain a certain weight in shortest possible time. To hasten the process, during night the poultry farm is well lit to fool the birds and make them eat. The birds have not even had an opportunity to stand and walk on mother earth, not had an opportunity to roam about picking up natural food. Once the size and weight is achieved, the birds are crammed in a carrier like the one in the picture above and within a few days, the chicken lovers have finished the stock in the shop which then receives a fresh lot.
Chicken farming has become like the hybrid food grown with chemical fertilizers and pesticides which have size and shape but no taste. The world has started moving towards 'Organic ' foods. And the organic fruits or vegetables certainly have better taste and natural aroma unlike the healthy looking big and shining fruits, in all probability the shine is due to the thin layer of wax.
The taste of chicken has also changed a lot over the years. I come from a purely vegetarian family. My dad gradually became non veg after he joined Indian army during WW II followed by higher studies in USA. Since childhood I started tasting mutton and chicken but outside home. Whenever dad went on a tour to nearby location during our vacation, I would join him. I loved the stay in Government Guest houses and the main attraction was chicken cooked by the expert 'khansamas' in the guest house.In the evening the cook would ask us to catch a bird and bring it to him. It generally used to be very tough to catch the bird even though it was inside the compound wall. After a lot of chase and huff and puff we would almost give up . He would then come and catch a bird and take it inside. Next we saw of the bird was a yummy tasting chicken curry or gravy on the table.
The khansama used to tell us that the more the bird runs away from being caught, the tastier it becomes. Probably thats the reasopn when even predators chase animals and after they are thoroughly tired , catch and kill. Is it flow of adrenaline that makes the difference ? I have no theory on this but just an observation.
Reminds me of mother shark and baby shark spotting a small boat in distress. Mom tells the baby that they would encircle the boat a couple of times with only the fins visible and then attack. Why so mom? asked the hungry baby. Oh that's because these humans taste better with all the crap out of their body .
This Blog is in no way to promote or demote chicken eating . Its just a Food for thought . Have a nice week friends.
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WELL SAID
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Feb 9, 2012 1:39 pm
839 Views
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Well said
Women’s styles may change, but their designs remain the same.
Running into debt doesn’t bother me, it’s running into creditors that’s upsetting.
Two feet on the ground are worth one in the mouth.
A push in bush is worth two in hand.
Bachelor: A rolling stone that gathers no moss.
Race horse: An animal that can take several people for a ride at the same time.
A secret: Something you tell only to one person at a time.
A Will: A rich man died and a line in his will read “I leave to my beloved son all the money he owes me.”
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The Tea Shop
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Feb 9, 2012 12:21 am
728 Views
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THE TEA SHOP
A tale reflecting the character & high values of the brave men guarding the nation...
They were on their way to the post where they would be deployed for next three months. The batch being relieved, was waiting anxiously for their arrival so that they could fall back to safer confines of their parent unit. Some would proceed on leave and meet their families. They were happy that they were to relieve a set of comrades who had done their job.
It was a treacherous climb and the journey was to last till the next evening. Cold winter month with intermittent snowfall added to the torture. If only some one could offer a cup of tea, the Major thought, knowing completely well that it was a futile wish.
They continued for another hour before they came across a dilapidated structure which looked like a small shop. It was locked.
It was 2 o'clock in the night and there was no house close to the shop where the owner could be located. In any case it was not advisable to knock any doors in the night for security reasons. It was a stalemate. No tea boys, bad luck.
The Major told the men to take some rest since they had been walking for more than three hours now.
Sir, this is a tea shop indeed and we can make tea. We will have to break the lock though. The officer was in doubt about the proposed action but a steaming cup of tea was not a bad idea. He thought for a while and permitted for the lock to be broken. The lock was broken.
They were in luck. The place was a shop indeed and had everything required to make tea, and also a few packets of biscuits. The tea was prepared and it brought great relief to all in the cold night. They were now ready for the long and treacherous walk ahead of them and started to get ready to move.
The officer was in thoughts. They had broken open the lock and prepared tea and consumed biscuits without the permission of the owner. The payment was due but there was no one in sight. The Major was not however moving out without doing what was to be done. He took out a Rs 1000/- note from his wallet and kept it on the counter, pressed under the sugar container, so that the owner sees it first thing when he arrives in the morning. He was now relieved of the guilt and ordered the move.
Days, weeks and months passed. They continued to do gallantly what they were required to do and were lucky not to loose any one from the original group in the intense insurgency situation. And then one day, it was time to be replaced by another brave lot.
Soon they were on their way back and stopped at the same shop, which was today open with the owner in place. He was an old man with very meager resources and was happy to see eight of them with the prospect of selling at least eight cups of tea that day.
All of them had their tea and spoke to the old man about his life and experiences in general, selling tea at such remote a location. The poor, old man had many stories to tell all of them, replete with his faith in God.
I was going through very tough times because my only son had been severely beaten by the terrorists who wanted some information from him which he did not have. I had closed the shop early that day and had taken my son to the hospital. There were medicines to be purchased and I had no money. No one would give me a loan from fear of the terrorists. There was no hope, Sahib.
And that day Sahib, I had prayed to Allah for help. And that day Sahib, Allah walked into my shop.
When I returned to my shop that day and saw the lock broken, I thought someone had broken in and had taken away whatever little I had. Sahib, I can't tell you what that money was worth that day. Allah exists Sahib, he does. I know people are dying every day here but all of you will soon meet your near and dear ones, your children, and you must thank your God Sahib, he is watching all of us. He does exist. He walked in my shop that day. I know he did."
The faith in his eyes was unflinching. It was unnerving. Seven set of eyes looked at their officer and read the order in his eyes clear and unambiguous
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